funny ha ha

NCAA Tournament Opening Day: Your 12 Hour Marathon

Shawn Siegel — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 22:43:32 -0700

With 16 games spread over 12 hours on 4 networks, the opening day* of the NCAA Tournament can be a lot to handle. Here's what to expect throughout the day:

6:45 - Alarm goes off. Damn, you forgot to reset the alarm even though you're talking the day off from work. That's annoying.

8:30 - Your spouse leaves for work. "Really honey? You're going to sit around and watch basketball all day?" Damn right you are.

11:00 - You finally roll out of bed after falling back asleep.

11:15 - Oh crap, you signed up for a handful of contests but forgot to submit all the brackets. Don't worry, late is better than never.

12:00 - Pre-game starts. All you can think is, "Seth Davis still works for CBS? Who did he know to get that job anyways?"**

12:15 - Murray St vs Colorado St tips off. You realize Isaiah Canaan is really good at basketball, but Bill Raftery is better at announcing.

12:40 - You scramble to figure out where TruTV is. Scrolling through the cable guide into the 800's yields nothing, so you go online to figure it out. The connection is slow and you're frustrated.

1:00 - Twenty minutes late, you finally get a peek at Kansas St vs Southern Miss. You can't help but think its a slap in the face to Len Elmore that they assigned Reggie Miller to do color commentary alongside him. They even let Jim Spanarkel go solo.

1:30 - Since you were busy filling out brackets, you forgot to eat. Pizza's always a good call.

1:40 - Louisville vs Davidson starts. You smartly picked Davidson to pull off the upset, so you focus on this game.

2:05 - Dang, that Davidson pick is looking pretty awful, so you flip back to the end of the Murray St game.

2:15 - The pizza you ordered is running late. That place always takes forever.

2:30 - Pizza comes, but they gave you mushrooms instead of pepperoni. And Davidson only has 25 points at half. Why did CollegeHoops.net pick that upset?? You're pissed.

3:00 - It's half-time of Wisconsin vs. Montana and Marquette vs BYU has just started. CBS is recapping how BYU came back to beat Iona. Even two days later, the collapse still seems impossible.

3:30 - Your spouse calls. "You're still watching basketball?" Damn right you are.

3:45 - Bathroom break. Too much pizza.

4:10 - Even without Fab Melo, Syracuse vs UNC Asheville is a blowout and BYU looks spent. New Mexico vs Long Beach St just started. This one has promise.

4:15 - Bathroom break again. Too much beer.

5:00 - Long Beach St is looking pretty damn good. You initially picked them in your brackets, but changed it at the last minute. Yeah, that's about right.

5:45 - Long Beach is going to pull of the upset. And Vanderbilt vs Harvard is looking extremely interesting as well. A real nail-biter. Finally, March is here.

6:15 - Harvard will not go away. The announcers are talking about Vandy's John Jenkins, Jeff Taylor, and Festus Ezeli as potential NBA players, but you just dont see it. The game comes down to the final minute..

6:25 - Your friend calls: Did you see that finish? Holy *&%*%*, I cannot believe that happened. Wow, I love March Madnesss.

6:45 - Shoot, you were supposed to at least do a couple things around the house while you were home. That light bulb's not going to change itself. Or maybe it is, basketball's starting in 5.

7:00 - Kentucky's up 15-2 on WKU. You hate these stupid 1 vs 16 games, but at least Raftery is amusing.

7:15 - A mad rush of games is starting within 15 minutes of each other: Wichita St vs VCU, Gonzaga vs West Virginia, and Baylor vs South Dakota St. You picked both VCU and South Dakota St to pull off the upsets, so this is a major conflict.

7:30 - You settle on the VCU game. Solid choice.

7:35 - You can't get enough of Greg Anthony's March Monotony commercial. Epic.

7:40 - Hungry and thirsty. But you've already had 5 slices and you've finished off the beer. So what, order yourself another pizza. You also ask your spouse if they could please get you more beer. They say no.

7:50 - Studio break. You know Charles Barkley is looking at Davis thinking, this guy doesn't know what the heck he's talking about. And you know Davis is thinking the exact same thing.

8:15 - Anthony Davis has 8 blocked shots for Kentucky. Not a good sign for WKU. Your South Dakota St upset has gone to crap, why was Nate Wolters hyped up as a hidden gem. But at least VCU is giving Wichita St a real run for their money.

8:40 - As good as the VCU game is, your eyes are fading. You run to the bathroom to splash water in your face. It helps, but you need a sugar kick. A couple of regular sodas should do the trick.

9:15 - Alright, so one of your upsets worked. You go online to check your brackets. In your CBS pools, you're right in the mix. The internet is slow though, probably time to stop using a 56k modem.

9:25 - Temporarily bored. You go online again to check your brackets even though you just did 10 minutes ago.

9:35 - You've always liked UCONN's Jeremy Lamb, but you can't figure why he's not dominating Iowa St.

10:00 - Your spouse begs you to get off the couch. At least stretch out or something, they ask. Whatever you do, don't listen.

10:20 - Indiana vs New Mexico St has stolen your attention. The UCONN-Iowa St game is boring and Ohio St vs Loyola MD is even worse. Indiana is your surprise Final Four pick, but they're down by 14 after 10 minutes. Uh oh.

10:40 - Your really tired now, and your muscles are atrophying from sitting around all day. It doesnt help that your stomach is making all kinds of weird noises. UNLV vs Colorado is all tied up, but you're delirious at this point: all you can do is giggle at Spero Dedes' name.

11:00 - Indiana's making a furious comeback. Watford just hit a pair of threes to cut it to 3. Wendell McKines then fouls Cody Zeller going up for a dunk. Wait, that wasn't a foul? Are you #^&*&$ kidding me ref?? Who are these refs anyways? Do they get paid for this?

11:05 - Your spouse just said good night to you but it didn't even register, you're still pissed about that call.

2:00 - Good work, you fell asleep on the couch and missed the end of the game. Did Indiana come back? Time to head online to check the boxscores and your bracket..

The End.

* Yes, I know the Tournament officially started with the First Four. But those games are like animatronics on the line to Space Mountain, just something to distract while you wait for the ride to begin.

40+ Player Nicknames: 2011 NCAA Tournament

Shawn Siegel — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 17:46:45 -0700

Everyone loves a good nickname, but the 2011 NCAA Tournament is severely lacking in this department. So instead, I present to you funny/lame nicknames for 40 of the top players in the Dance. Some of these reference pop culture, politics, and sports history. For others, it helps to know a little bit about the player or the team he plays for. Others are just plain ridiculous.. Enjoy!

Mocking the Tournament: 40+ NCAA Tournament Nicknames

Devon Beitzel (Northern Colorado): "Bite-Sized"

Noah Dahlman (Wofford): "The Big Ark"

Justin Diebler (Ohio St): "Diebler Fever"

Kenneth Faried (Morehead St): "A Poor Man's Dennis Rodman"

Ashton Gibbs (Pittsburgh): "Giblets"

Jerai Grant (Clemson): "Ulysses"

Ben Hansbrough (Notre Dame): Ben "Don't Touch The Hands Bro"

Justin Harper (Richmond): "Harper's Review"

John Henson (UNC): "Muppet Man"

John Holland (Boston U): "Dutch"

Tu Holloway (Xavier): "Tu Hot to Handle"

**His given name is Terrell, so Tu is a nickname already, but just go with it.

Matt Howard (Butler): Matt "Yes, I'm Still At Butler" Howard

Darius Johnson-Odom (Marquette): Darius "Kardashian-Odom"

JaJuan Johnson (Purdue): "Triple-J"

Orlando Johnson (UCSB): "O.J."

Brandon Knight (Kentucky): "The Dark Knight"

Kawhi Leonard (San Diego St): "Ka-Why Thank You Kindly Sir"

Jon Leuer (Wisconsin): "Gone Fishin'"

Shelvin Mack (Butler): Shelvin "Big" Mack

Kendall Marshall (UNC): Kendall "Larry Who?" Marshall

E'Twaun Moore (Purdue): "E.T."

Marcus & Markieff Morris (Kansas): "Twin"

Alex Oriakhi (UCONN): "The Oriakhi Express"

Jacob Pullen (Kansas St): Jacob Pullen "My Leg"

Robert Sacre (Gonzaga): "Sacrebleu!"

Kyle Singler (Duke): "E-Harmony"

Jaime Skeen (VCU): "Peachy Skeen"

Corey Stokes (Villanova): Corey "Different" Stokes

Jared Sullinger (Ohio St): "Captain Sully"

Isaihah Thomas (Washington): "The Knick Killer"

Erving Walker (Florida): "The Other Walker"

Kemba Walker (UCONN): "Big Shot"

Brad Wanamaker (Pittsburgh): "My Last Name Sounds Like a Nickname Already So Leave Me Alone"

Tai Wesley (Utah St): "Pad" Tai

Tyler Zeller (UNC): "Sarah Michelle" Zeller

Make your own. Post your favorite Jimmer-ism's below:

Jimmer Fredette (BYU): ?

**Yes, Jimmer is not his given name, but go with it anyways..

Here are some of the other top players to have fun with:

Lavoy Allen (Temple)

Harrison Barnes (UNC)

Talor Battle (Penn St)

Keith Benson (Oakland)

Mike Davis (Illinois)

Marcus Denmon (Missouri)

Corey Fisher (Villanova)

Yancy Gates (Cincinnat)

Steven Gray (Gonzaga)
Draymond Green (Michigan St)

Jordan Hamilton (Texas)

Dwight Hardy (St. John's)

Tobias Harris (Tennessee)

Travis Leslie (Georgia)

Cam Long (George Mason)

Kalin Lucas (Michigan St)

Chris Singleton (Florida St)

Peyton Siva (Louisville)

Nolan Smith (Duke)

Jeffrey Taylor (Vanderbilt)

Jordan Taylor (Wisconsin)

Derrick Williams (Arizona)

Feel free to post other nicknames:

NCAA Tournament 2010: Top 10 Excuses To Miss Work

Bill Kintner — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 15:24:39 -0700

It is that time of the year again, the first two days of the NCAA Tournament where they inconveniently schedule games during business hours on Thursday and Friday.

For some employees catching the games is as simple as taking a paid day off or doing what I used to do, schedule an out of town business trip to allow you to take care of some important business like watching college hoops.

But suppose you work in an office and you can’t schedule a day off. What if you work for an organization like the Post Office where you have to be on the job each day. Well that might be a bad example, they are probably goofing off anyway. But I am sure you get the idea with having a hard time getting off work.

If you have worked for an employer for while, you have probably used up most of your best excuses. Let’s face it, you can only use the dead grandparent excuse four times.

So that is where I come in with my annual top 10 excuses to use on your boss to get out of work. (last year's)

So in the grand tradition of Ferris Bueller here they are:

10. I won’t be coming in today, I spent my last dollar playing on-line bingo and don’t have any money left for the bus. But, don’t worry, I will try to win it back today while I am off.

9. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine at Wal*Mart.

8. I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about those Bearcats huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, can I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with T-Mobile, but thank you for calling.

7. My husband is having his annual erection and I don’t want to miss it. (Hey if he is a big hoops fan it is possible.)

6. I didn’t make it in today because I had to go to the bathroom really bad this morning, you know, number two problems.. but the real problem was I was in the car, so I decided to fart to relieve some of the pressure. When I farted, pee shot out and went up my butt (hey, it happens), so I had to go the emergency room and get my, umm.. system flushed.

5. Well, you see, my boyfriend’s friend’s cousin, her mother is a total flake and her kids are getting taken away by child protective services. She is going to jail and my boyfriend is working, his cousin is out of town and so you can see that I have to stay home and watch them.

4. I can’t come in today my cat is lonely and stressed out today. If I don’t spend quality time with him he will keep peeing on the furniture.

3. I won’t be into work today because my wife is going to conceive today and I want to be there when it happens.

2. I am helping President Obama spend 2.7 trillion dollars to help stimulate the economy. It might take me awhile, I will call you when I am done.

And the #1 excuse for missing work again, for the 7th year running, is diarrhea. The mere mention of it and your boss will immediately stop asking questions.

So go check those brackets one more time or do what I do and just watch the games with no brackets, but whatever you do, just enjoy the games.

Mocking the 2010 Tournament:: 40+ Funny Nicknames

Shawn Siegel — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 21:12:16 -0800

Everyone loves a good nickname. But real nicknames are often boring. Gody? Cuz? Yawn. So instead, I present to you funny/lame nicknames for 40 of the top players in the 2010 NCAA Tournament. Some of these reference pop culture, politics, and sports history. For others, it helps to know a little bit about the player or the team he plays for. Others are just plain ridiculous.. Enjoy!

Mocking the Tournament: 40+ NCAA Tournament Nicknames

Cole Aldrich (Kansas): "RoboCop"

Al-Farouq Aminu (Wake Forest): "The Dunkin' Deacon"

James Anderson (Oklahoma St): "The Sundance Kid"

Trevor Booker (Clemson): "The Librarian"

Matt Bouldin (Gonzaga): "A1 Bouldin"

Da'Sean Butler (West Virginia): "Oops, I did it again"

Aubrey Coleman (Houston): "Stomp"*
* I had to go there

Sherron Collins (Kansas): Sher"ron Jeremy" Collins

DeMarcus Cousins (Kentucky): "DeMan-Child"

Jordan Crawford (Xavier): "LeBron Who?"

LaceDarius Dunn (Baylor): "Satin & Lace"

Juan Fernandez (Temple): "Pepe"

Jimmer Fredette (BYU): "Jimmer Thing"

Austin Freeman (Georgetown): "Blood Sugar"

Ashton Gibbs (Pittsburgh): "The Punked Panther"

Luke Harangody (Notre Dame): "Goat Boy"

Gordon Hayward (Butler): "Hayward Jablome"

Wesley Johnson (Syracuse): "Blade"

Gani Lawal (Georgia Tech): "Lawal and Order"

Kalin Lucas (Michigan St): "Spartacus"

CJ McCollum (Lehigh): "Lord of the Rings"

Greg Monroe (Georgetown): "The Doctrine"

E'Twaun Moore (Purdue): "ET"

AJ Ogilvy (Vanderbilt): "Captain Kangaroo"

Patrick Patterson (Kentucky): "The Forgotten One"

Dexter Pittman (Texas): "The Dump Truck"

Jacob Pullen (Kansas St): Jacob "Stop" Pullen "My Leg"

Jerome Randle (California): Jerome Randle-"El"

Scottie Reynolds (Villanova) "Reynolds Wrap"

Omar Samhan (St Mary's): "Enter Samhan"

Jon Scheyer (Duke): Jon "is so quiet, he couldn't be" Scheyer

Kyle Singler (Duke): "The GunSingler"

Ishmael Smith (Wake Forest): "Call Me"

Isaiah Thomas (Washington): "The GM"

Evan Turner (Ohio St): Evan "Page-" Turner

Greivis Vasquez (Maryland): "Grievance Counselor"

John Wall (Kentucky): "Cool Cat"

Brad Wanamaker (Pittsburgh): Brad Wanamaker-"deal"?

Tai Wesley (Utah St): "Pad-"Tai Wesley

Ekpe Udoh (Baylor): "Bless you"

Make your own. Here are some of the other top players:

Kevin Anderson (Richmond)
Denis Clemente (Kansas St)
Randy Culpepper (UTEP)
Devin Ebanks (West Virginia)
Derrick Favors (Georgia Tech)
Lazar Hayward (Marquette)
Xavier Henry (Kansas)
Darington Hobson (New Mexico)
Trevon Hughes (Wisconsin)
Damion James (Texas)
JaJuan Johnson (Purdue)
Quincy Pondexter (Washington)
Andy Rautins (Syracuse)
Samardo Samuels (Louisville)
Donald Sloan (Texas A&M)
Nolan Smith (Duke)

Feel free to post other nicknames for the players on the list above.

One Sh!tty Moment: An Ode to Busted Brackets and a Weak Tourney

Dave Barend — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 09:52:47 -0700

After the championship game, CBS once again followed tradition and showed a montage of tourney clips set to the cheasiest song ever written - "One Shining Moment." The lyrics are below.

For all of you who, like me, had their brackets destroyed well before the big game, I have provided a slightly different set of lyrics. Interspersed within "One Shining Moment" are the words to my song, in parentheses - "One Sh!tty Moment". Hope you enjoy.

The ball is tipped
(Your brackets are ripped)
and there you are
(Worst year by far)
you're running for your life
(You're looking for a knife)
you're a shooting star
(To kill ‘Nova's star.)

And all the years
(All those fears)
no one knows
(Of Lawson's toes)
just how hard you worked
(And the Sooners lurked)
but now it shows...
(Now you feel hosed)

IN ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(In One Sh!tty Moment)
IT'S ALL ON THE LINE
(Marquette Crossed The line)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
THERE FROZEN IN TIME
(Pitt - Ran Out Of Time)

But time is short
(Damn Zags went length of court)
and the road is long
(for another pick you got wrong)
in the blinking of an eye
(BC stinking- oh God why?!)
ah that moment's gone
(Wife then yells "Shut TV - tend to lawn.")

And when it's done
(Hope it was fun)
win or lose
(picking Syracuse)
you always did your best
(You knew they had no rest)
cuz inside you knew...
(Well, you got screwed)

THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED DEEP INSIDE
(Siena's Shots Went Wide)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE
(You Knew - Wake Took A Dive)

Feel the beat of your heart
(There's no beat of your heart.)
feel the wind in your face
(There's no blood in your face)
it's more than a contest
(Don't look your greatest)
it's more than a race...
(more like a corpse on Cold Case)

And when it's done
(Yup you're done)
win or lose
(Go grab your booze)
you always did your best
(went 0 for the West)
cuz inside you knew...
(Cuz Memphis blew)

THAT ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(That One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU REACHED FOR THE SKY
(You Just Want To Cry)
ONE SHINING MOMENT,
(One Sh!tty Moment)
YOU WERE WILLING TO TRY
(Worse - Than A Boeheim Sigh)

Take it easy,
Dave

For Immediate Release: CollegeHoops.net's Shawn Siegel to Return to Work Tomorrow..

Shawn Siegel — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:45:09 -0700

When the University of Texas sent out a press release on Wednesday noting that Dexter Pittman** was returning to school, I first thought it was an April Fool's joke. When a player that no one expects to go pro, doesn't go pro, is it really news? Of course not. Which is why I present to you tonight's official CollegeHoops.net press release: Shawn Siegel to Return to Work Tomorrow

TEANECK, NJ — CollegeHoops.net combo webmaster/editor Shawn Siegel will return to work tomorrow, Friday, April 3rd, he announced today. One of the most improved webmasters in the NCSWEAT (National College Sports Webmaster & Editor Association Thing), Siegel averaged writing 2.6 articles per day, editing 3.4, while averaging 5.2 lame headlines and 13.6 mostly useless hyperlinks per 24 hours.

A 7-time All-CollegeHoops.net selection, Siegel is the only person to have ever been named to this one-person team. Siegel did his best work in the week leading up to the 2009 NCAA Tournament, when he averaged a whopping 5.7 articles written per day, and posting 11.6, earning him a first (and last place) finish in both categories.

Weighing in at 172 lbs. on a completely mediocre 5-10 frame, Siegel was projected by many to be a First Round pick in the 2009 Hooters Webmasters & Editors League. However, Siegel decided after weighing the pros and cons to return to work tomorrow. "I spoke it over with my family, and they informed me the Hooters W&E League does not, never has, and never will exist, and that I'm delusion and should simply get back to work."

Siegel remains undaunted however, and is certain that he will one day make it big in the Hooters W&E league. "I've been working hard at my game for a few years now, and after talking to myself, realized that I still have a few flaws to work on. For example, I'm wasting valuable time by writing fictional press releases." Siegel also discussed what he plans to do about those flaws. "I spoke it over with my elementary school gym teacher, and she suggested that I work on my juggling skills."

CollegeHoops.net posted a 44-0 record in the college basketball website league. CollegeHoops.net's lone opponent, Shawn'sNephew'sBlog.com was run by an 11 year old and never actually went live.

Siegel Quotes from Press Conference

Opening statement: "I spoke it over with my family, and they informed me the Hooters W&E League does not, never has, and never will exist, and that I'm delusion and should simply get back to work."

On how close he came to entering the Hooters W&E League: "I came thiiis close. Wait, can you not see my fingers? Too bad. They're close."

On what his coach told him about the decision: "I have a coach?"

On what he needs to work on: "I've been working hard at my game for a few years now, and after talking to myself, realized that I still have a few flaws to work on. For example, I'm wasting valuable time by writing fictional press releases."

On if he ever imagined having the chance to enter the W&E League: "Sure, considering I made it up."

On his workout plan for the night before returning to work tomorrow: "A wise man once told me, 'a nap a day keeps the paychecks away', so I'll take a nap. I also spoke it over with my elementary school gym teacher, and she suggested that I work on my juggling skills. I also might do some Wii Bowling"

**This little article does mock Dexter Pittman in a back-handed sort of way, but the reality is he made a good decision and could play himself into serious 2010 First Round consideration if he continues the improvement he showed late in the year.

Mocking the Tournament: 40+ Funny Nicknames

Shawn Siegel — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 13:41:15 -0700

Everyone loves a good nickname. But real nicknames are often boring. Psycho-T? Yawn. So instead, I present to you funny/lame nicknames for 40 of the top players in the 2009 NCAA Tournament. Some of these reference pop culture, politics, and sports history. For others, it helps to know a little bit about the player or the team he plays for. Others are just plain ridiculous.

Mocking the Tournament: 40+ NCAA Tournament Nicknames

DeJuan Blair (Pittsburgh): "The Prime Minister"

Chase Budinger (Arizona): "The Poor Man's Keith Van Horn"

Da'Sean Butler (West Virginia): "I Didn't Do It!"

Dionte Christmas (Temple): "Bad Santa"

Sherron Collins (Kansas): Sher"ron Jeremy" Collins

Darren Collison (UCLA): "The Faucet"*
*Because he runs hot and cold

Lee Cummard (BYU): (Insert Dirty Joke Here)

Dante Cunningham (Villanova): "The Inferno"

Austin Daye (Gonzaga): Austin "I swear, I'll be good one" Daye

DeMar DeRozan (USC): "DeReally?"

Jeremiah Dominguez (Portland St): Jeremiah "I used to be a Bullfrog" Dominguez

Byron Eaton (Oklahoma St): Byron "Sure Knows How to Get His" Eaton

Wayne Ellington (UNC): Wayne "I hate Duke" Ellington

Levance Fields (Pittsburgh): "Chubs"

Jonny Flynn (Syracuse): "Heeere's" Jonny

Blake & Taylor Griffin (Oklahoma): "Family Guys"

Tyler Hansbrough (UNC): Tyler "Dude, Stop Touching My Hans"brough

Manny Harris (Michigan): Manny "Being Manny" Harris

Gerald Henderson (Duke): "The Legacy"

Robbie Hummel (Purdue): "The Hummel Horse"

Marcus Landry (Wisconsin): Marcus "I need a quarter to do the" Landry

Ty Lawson (UNC): Ty "No, I'm not Ty Law's son" Lawson

Eric Maynor (VCU): "Mr. May"

E'Twaun Moore (Purdue): "ET"

Luke Nevill (Utah): "The Lost Brother"

Arinze Onuaku (Syracuse): "Chris Dudley Jr."

Jeremy Pargo (Gonzaga): "North Dakota"

Greg Paulus (Duke): "Where Is He Now?"

AJ Price (UCONN): "Laptop"*
*Come on, you know I had to go there

Tyrese Rice (BC): "Pork Fried"

Larry Sanders (VCU): "The Colonel"

Jon Scheyer (Duke): Jon "is so quiet, he couldn't be" Scheyer

Kyle Singler (Duke): Kyle "Perpetually" Singler

Tyler Smith (Tennessee): Tyler "Seriously Bruce, Change the Jacket" Smith

Corey Stokes (Villanova): Corey "Different" Strokes

Goran Suton (Michigan St): Goran "Forgot to put his bathing" Suton

Jeff Teague (Wake Forest): Jeff "Out of My League" Teague

Hasheem Thabeet (UCONN): Hasheem "We Got" Thabeet

Isaiah Thomas (Washington): "The GM"

Marcus Thornton (LSU): "Rosebud"

Evan Turner (Ohio St): Evan "Page" Turner

Greivis Vasquez (Maryland): "Grievance Counselor"

Willie Warren (Oklahoma): "Wee" Willie Warren

Terrence Williams (Louisville): "All Purpose"

Sam Young (Pittsburgh): Sam "I look like I'm 30, But I'm" Young

-- There you have it. Below are some more top players that I struggled to give a good nickname too.. or I came up with one, but thought that readers could do better. So show me your stuff. Post your nicknames in the comments section below or shoot me an email.

AJ Abrams (Texas)
Matt Bouldin (Gonzaga)
Jon Brockman (Washington)
James Harden (Arizona St)
Jordan Hill (Arizona)
Marcus Landry (Wisconsin)
Kalin Lucas (Michigan St)
Scottie Reynolds (Villanova)

Rant: It Takes An Idiot to Run an NCAA Tournament Pool

Dave Barend — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 07:39:05 -0700

To make the NCAA Tourney fun you need to find someone dumb enough to want to run a pool. For the past 15 years that dummy has been me.

After each year, I swear I'm never going to be that idiot again. The stress of running a pool is simply not worth it. But then March comes and, much like Al Pacino said, "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in." (Though I'm not sure if Michael Corleone would find the "stress" of running an NCAA pool "much like" the stress of running - the mafia.)

Why do I succumb each year? Well, I'm not sure.

For the $? - A good reason, except I don't make any money off the pool. A few years ago I wanted to assure everyone that I wasn't taking a percentage of the pot. So I sent an email out to the couple hundred people in my pool saying, "I'm not taking any ‘Fig"'. Huh? See, I thought that "The Fig" was the term for taking a cut of a pool. Turns out it's called "The Vig". Which explains the responses saying things like, "What the hell are you talking about?", and "What do you have against Figs?" My pathetic display of ignorance did have a positive. It reconfirmed for everyone in my pool that I was the prefect idiot for the job.

For Fun? - The fun part is being in the pool. Dealing with people who can't figure out how to fill in the brackets, not fun. Couple years ago, it was 5 minutes before tip off of the first round. I was just about to take the first bite of my pizza when the phone rang.

Sean: Hey man it's Sean. I haven't gotten my picks in yet.
Dave: Don't know what to tell you. Tip off is in less than 5 minutes.
Sean: Great, I was worried we wouldn't have enough time.
Me: We?
Sean: Yeah, I need you to enter the picks on that web site for me.

(At this point, a normal person would have pretended that there was a bad connection and hung up. Sadly, I'm not normal.)

Dave: Sure. Just read off your picks and I'll type ‘em in.
Sean: Dude, I haven't even looked at the brackets yet.

(As I furiously typed in the winners of all 63 games a drop of sweat fell toward my pizza. I managed to deftly catch it with my big toe. Unfortunately, I was unable to prevent my foot from landing in the double cheese. I now had a meal that was literally going to taste like feet.)

Dave: Wow, we finished with 30 seconds to spare.
Sean: Dave, hold a second. Yeah, uh, can I get a large Coke with that? Dave, you there? Thanks man. Gotta go. Don't want my pizza to get cold.

For Making Friends? - Actually I seem to lose friends. This obsession with my NCAA pool has pretty much alienated my entire neighborhood. Though they claim that they aren't interested, that simply makes no sense to me. How can anybody not want to be in an NCCA pool? It's like not wanting sex. In fact, an NCAA pool is like 3 weeks of sex. Who wouldn't want that? Well, apparently about 50 people according to the signatures on the neighborhood's cease and desist petition.

Last year, a new family moved into my neighborhood about 1 week before the Tourney. My wife made me promise that I would not even mention my pool to them. I agreed. I also lied. A crafty move given that they happily joined.

The day before the Tourney started, I noticed that some unknown person had logged into my pool's web site. This infuriating discovery meant three things: (1) someone had entered my pool without paying (2) someone had given out the password for my pool's web site and (3) the pulsating vein in my forehead was going to explode. Yeah, I was a bit perturbed. I then received an email from my brand new neighbor indicating that he had given the password to another guy. He apologized and said he'd gladly take care of the fee.

If you think that's the end, then you are, once again, forgetting that I'm an idiot. I decided to vent by forwarding my neighbor's email to another buddy in the pool and wrote, "Read below. Looks like I found the @#$%&*#!" Except I didn't hit forward. I hit reply. And I didn't write @#$%&*#. I wrote "asshole."

I immediately realized my mistake. Somehow I had to stop that email. So I did the only logical thing - I yanked my computer right out of the wall. The cord flew out of the socket and, accompanied by a chunk of dry wall, smashed into my face. Upon rebooting my computer I learned a disappointing fact - I'm not as fast as email.

I then re-opened the email, made absolutely sure I hit forward, and sent the following note to my wife: "In the next few hours our new neighbors will cease speaking with us. See below. Please let me know if this is a 6 roses or a full dozen mistake. My wife wrote back. One line: "You are an idiot."

For Pride? Amazingly, yes. If there is one thing that I know I can do well, it's run a good NCAA pool. I can actually envision the engraving on my headstone: "Dave Barend - Loving father and devoted husband? That's debatable. But he ran a damn good pool."

What I'd really like is to be able to say that I ran a stress-free pool. And I truly think this year I might be getting closer to that goal. My two biggest stressors are:

Stressor #1: Collecting $ -
Every year I swear that I'm not letting anyone in without first receiving their payment. Every single year I get a bunch of last minute calls. I've heard all the excuses:

There are threats like: Let me in or I'll tell everyone about that time with the ostrich

There are pleas to my sympathy like: I'm your mother, damn it.

There are also promises like: I'm writing the check now, well, not like right now, but as soon as I find my check book, and a stamp, and an envelope . . .

Then there are my friends who aren't actually deadbeats, but simply like to torture me by paying late. One year my buddy Gary sent his payment days before the Tourney started. Or so I thought. When I opened his envelope all that was inside was a note that read: "How pissed are you now?"

So, the pool ends up being financed by the Bank of Dave - the only bank currently doing worse than Washington Mutual.

Stressor #2.Fear of Prison Time -

It has occasionally dawned on me that the pool that I have been running for years over the Internet with friends across the country just might involve some federal violations. A quick LEXIS search revealed that such actions seem to be prohibited by: The Wire Act, The Paraphernalia Act (substantially less risqué than I had hoped), The Federal Anti-gambling Statute, and The Professional and Amateur Sports Protection Act. I now have an image of me in Federal prison having a conversation with another inmate. "So what are you in for?" "Murder, how about you? "Violating the Professional and Amateur, er, I mean murder."

But even if my odds of ending up in the poky are likely slim, as an attorney I have another concern - The Board Of Bar Overseers. While doing a little time in the slammer would be one thing, getting disbarred would really have a negative impact on my career.

Before I called the BBO to ascertain my risk, I prepared some questions such as: Is it true that something can be illegal but not unethical? Has anyone ever been disbarred for running an NCAA pool? And, Do you have caller id?

The person I spoke to asserted that running an illegal NCAA pool could result in sanctions, but such a complaint would realistically be pushed to the far corner of his desk. He, however, refused to even acknowledge the possibility that such a file could be pushed off his desk and into his garbage can. Ethical people are so hard to bribe.

Solution: Make The Pool FREE -

You got it. My pool is completely FREE! Gone are my worries about collecting money and ending up in the big house ‘cause the pool will be FREE. Yes, I still have the stress of dealing with people who contact me in the middle of round three asking if there's anyway they can change their picks. And yes, I still have the stress of convincing people to join the pool. But that later concern should be slightly alleviated because the pool is FREE. Right now the pot is at $1,200 and growing all via donations.

Why the hell would anyone pay when they could enter for FREE? I'm banking on the most effective persuasive technique I know. No, it's nothing that I learned in law school, but instead something that I picked up from my torturous Catholic upbringing - guilt. Yes, I'm truly hoping that some of you will feel compelled to toss in 5-10 bucks. You know, since I'm giving my time and a good part of my hairline for this pool. I also went through 23 hours of labor just for you, so you damn well . . . Oh sorry, that one doesn't really apply.

But if you can't spare a few bucks or even if you just don't want to, no big deal, because the pool truly is FREE. I really only ask for one thing: When this pool inevitably leads to a fatal stress induced heart attack, please just raise a glass and say, "Dave Barend - That idiot ran a damn good pool."

[If you want to join the pool go to DaveBarendsCollegeHoopHumor.blogspot.com for the details. Nutshell: Pool's a basic bracket format and, most importantly, it's FREE!!! ]

2009 NCAA Tournament: Top 10 Excuses to Miss Work

Bill Kintner — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 04:22:51 -0700

It is that time of the year again, the first two days of the NCAA Tournament when they inconveniently schedule games during business hours on Thursday and Friday.

For some lucky employees, catching the games is as simple as taking a paid day off or doing what I used to do, schedule an out of town business trip to take care of some "important business" like watching college hoops.

But suppose you work in an office and you can't schedule a day off. What if you work for an organization like the Post Office where you have to be on the job each day? Well that might be a bad example, they are probably goofing off anyway. But I am sure you get the idea..

If you've worked for the same employer for awhile, you have probably used up most of your best excuses. Let's face it, you can only use the dead grand parent excuse four times.

So that is where I come in with my annual top ten excuses to get out of work.

So in the grand tradition of Ferris Bueller here they are.

Top 10 Excuses to Miss Work For the NCAA Tournament

10. The dog ate my keys. We are hitch-hiking to the vet. If we don't get a ride, my dog should poop them out by Saturday.

9. I can't come into work today because I will be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up to work. Okay?

8. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

7. I have anal glaucoma today.. meaning I can't see my butt coming in today.

6. I contacted mono while kissing the new intern in accounting. I think you should send out a memo warning the other employees not to kiss her.

5. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in today. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.

4. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb!

3. I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about those Musketeers, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, can I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with T-Mobile, but thanks you for calling.

2. I am helping President Obama spend 2.7 trillion dollars to help stimulate the economy. It might take me awhile, I will call you when I am done.

And the number one excuse for missing work (for the fourth year in a row) is (and will always be) diarrhea. Let's make that "explosive diarrhea!!!" The mere mention of it and your boss will immediately stop asking questions.

So go check those brackets one more time and enjoy the games.

Selection Sunday: Dave's Rant

Dave Barend — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 17:45:41 -0700

In just days I, Dave Barend, will “fit in”. No, I haven’t read, “The Idiot’s Guide To Basic Social Skills.” Actually, it’s you who are going to change. On March 15, aka Selection Sunday, you will become crazy for college hoops. And then (brace yourselves) you will be just like me.

My short period of acceptance allows me to sympathize with another group of outcasts – female exhibitionists. You know, women who yearn to display their bare breasts. Just as they have Mardi Gras, I have March Madness.

This temporary feeling of non-lunacy leads me to conclude that Selection Sunday is by far the best event of the year. That’s right, even better than Christmas. I get 65 gifts on Selection Sunday – all wrapped in beautiful brackets. On Christmas I’m lucky to get 5. And none of them are even as good as Murray State. Last year, my wife actually gave me a scale. Imagine if I gave her a scale. I’d have been spending Christmas night in the EconoLodge. Yeah, Selection Sunday beats the hell out of Christmas.

Selection Sunday is also better than:

Thanksgiving - because mother-in-law is not in attendance.

The 4th of July - because I always forget when that is.

Kwanzaa, - because, well, I don't really know what that is.

Easter - because I don't feel guilty for not giving up something for Lent.

Boxing Day - because I don't box.

Memorial Day - because I'm not dead.

It's even better than sex. As a married guy I feel comfortable labeling sex as an "event" - a rare one at that. Which reminds me, I guess I have given up something for Lent.

“Wait a minute. How can Selection Sunday be better than the actual Tournament?” Because with Selection Sunday comes hope. The hope that you got the picks right and you are going to win the pool. With the actual games comes – dashed hope. For me, this usually happens by the afternoon of day one.

Why do I care so much about hope? Well, I’m a 40-year old guy whose last gasp at a chance of happiness is hinging to the success of the most pathetic form of entertainment – a blog. So, yeah, I’m a pretty big fan of hope. Or as my buddy Gary likes to say, “Hope is incredible.” Though I should probably reveal he’s referring to an old girlfriend with impressive flexibility.

Amazingly, I almost missed Selection Sunday a few years ago. It was a half hour before the CBS Selection Show and my wife was in bed with a slight case of double pneumonia. She started having a bad reaction to her medication. If I remember correctly it was something trivial like not being able to breathe. So it was up to me to get the new prescription. I tried to hide my utter lack of enthusiasm, but she saw right through me. I guess I shouldn’t have asked, “Do you really think you’ll die if I don’t go?

I got to the store, grabbed the new meds, and then hopped in my car. As I drove toward the exit I noticed another car waiting to leave, but no traffic. I tried to remain calm. Not my forte. I told myself to count to 10. Yeah, I made it to 4, said “Screw it!” and laid on the horn like a Brazilian after a World Cup victory. Car still didn’t move. But the car behind me did. Or more accurately, the cruiser behind me.

As the officer pulled up, I thought, “Great, he’ll get this moron going.” That thought terminated when the cop stopped his pursuit next to me.

“What’s the big rush?”

“Hey officer. Uh, it’s Selection Sunday and the pairings are coming out in a few minutes. I really don’t want to miss it. Any chance you want to give me an escort home?”

In hindsight, that wasn’t a wise request. But I still don’t think it warranted field sobriety tests. Thank God I’m proficient at reciting the alphabet.

I made it home with 5 minutes to spare. I clicked my garage door opener and – nothing. I yelled, “Are you kidding me!!” There was no reply.

I parked in the driveway and booked it to the front door. It was then that a prior conversation with my wife ran through my head

Wife: You should really put a key to the front door on your key chain.

Me: I don’t need a key. I always go through the garage.

Wife: What if your opener breaks?

Me: That’s never going to happen

So I stood there and contemplated incessantly ringing the doorbell. That would have resulted in our baby waking up, my deathly ill wife opening the door, and my very painful castration. I decided to go with option 2 – walk around the house and pray one of the back doors was open.

Yet another prayer unanswered. As I walked back to the front of the house I reassessed the value of my cojones. I then noticed a slightly open window. This led to an immediate reaction of: “Oh my God! We must have wasted a fortune on heat!” It eventually dawned on me that there was another way of viewing the open window - my ticket to see the Selection Show.

This and other potential fiascos can be avoided by correctly preparing for Selection Sunday far in advance:

1. Get Rations – From the time the brackets are reveled on Selection Sunday till noon the following Thursday all of your free time will be spent making your picks. That is if you’re like me. And since we’ve already established that you will be, you need to stock up pronto. This past week I filled my grocery cart with a bunch of DiGiorno pizzas. At the behest of my daughters, I also threw in a couple boxes of Hanna Montana cereal – and simultaneously threw away the last vestiges of my manhood. The emasculation continued when I got in line behind two muscle heads. They seemed lees than convinced when I claimed that Hanna’s cereal was actually chunks of steak.

2. Decorate – Yes, you should truly decorate your home to get in the Selection Sunday Spirit. Every year my wife makes a huge set of brackets that we hang on the wall. Pretty good sign of her love for me, huh? Yeah, not so much. First time she made one was when we were engaged. My buddy Scotty was there and he said, “I guarantee this doesn’t happen when you’re married.” Well, Scotty was wrong. But my wife doesn’t continue making the big brackets out of love. Nope, it’s totally out of spite. In fact, every single year when she’s drawing them up, I can hear her ever so quietly say to herself, “Screw you, Scotty.”

3. Learn Bracketology – There are people who have made entire careers out of trying to figure out what the bracket pairings will be before they are announced on Selection Sunday. They call themselves “bracketologists”. And I believe in high school they were called Dungeon Masters.

I, however, prefer to try to figure out how the brackets will look like when the tournament’s over. You know, so I can win the pool. That just doesn’t seem to work out.

Last year, the picks were due in 30 minutes and I still hadn’t even completed my Elite 8. It was then that I realized that assessing whether #16 seeded Portland State could knock off #1 Kansas shouldn’t have taken 5 hours.

But no need to panic. I had a half-hour to finish with nobody home to bother me. And then - my youngest daughter walked in. Yeah, I kind of forgot about her. (That might have an impact on my nomination for father of the year.)

She looked at me and said, “Poo-poo in the potty.” At that point I noticed that she was half-naked and displayed evidence that at least the first part of her claim was valid.

As we trucked to the bathroom, I looked in her little potty chair and found – nothing. Yet there undoubtedly had been a poo-poo. This begged the question, “Where the hell is the damn poo-poo?”

So my daughter and I then went on a quest. A quest to find the poo-poo. It was kind of like our own little Easter egg hunt. Well, more like an Easter egg hunt sponsored by the guys from South Park. Not quite one of those Father-Daughter Hallmark moments.

First stop was my bedroom and, more specifically, my side of the bed. Nothing. Thank God.

As we went from room to room, she kept saying “Poo-poo in potty.” Maybe I missed it. We cruised back to the bathroom and confirmed that her potty chair was empty. She then pointed to the toilet and said “Poo-poo in potty.” I looked inside and exclaimed, “Holy sh!t. In the potty. Wait till we tell Mommy. She is going to be so proud.” Apparently my daughter had used her potty as a stool and climbed right up. Lucky for me she did not fall in. Might have been a bummer watching the Tournament with the folks at Social Services.

Moments later my wife arrived and my daughter ran to tell her the news. “Mommy. Mommy. Look. Look. Holy sh!t in potty.” Mommy was not so proud of Daddy.

Since I had about 3 minutes till the deadline, I decided to reward my daughter by letting her make my final picks. And miraculously I won the pool. Really? No, not really. But I had hope. All of you can have hope too. And it all starts on the greatest day of the year- Selection Sunday.

Take it easy,

Dave

Dave Barend's humorous take on college basketball will be appearing weekly on CHN.

Check back Monday for a set of weekly Rankings and Irrelevant Comments. If you'd like to submit your choice for the most overrated or underrated team of the week, email me at davebarend@yahoo.com by Saturday.